I can’t stop thinking about a conversation i was drawn to the other night.Given the innocuous set of circumstances, i could never have foreseen that somehow i would be compelled to provide a short list of harrowing circumstances that i have encountered as examples of; "i too have suffered". Even more shocking to me, i started with, being threatened to be shot, and continued including mild assaults, harassments and intimidations. It was a very short list, and as the days between grow i find an inner dialogue expands the list with really impressive dramatic moments of life, death and encounters with dark forces.
For those folks who don’t know me, i too am innocuous. Perhaps this is where the conversation may have held a thread of familiar that drew me in, i can only suppose. I am no Jedi warrior, my age, gender, physical characteristics, temperament and very dull life routines create a quirky, nonchalant, invisibility in a group. In every situation where i was in the presence of “the dark side”, it may also be true that i was innocuous, an ant involved in the purpose of my task and therefore had the responsibility to do the task, believing that the task was the purpose which held me in, and would lead me out, within that perspective i continued to give “the task” my whole hearted attention.
Bottom line truth, i have always felt safe. I don’t intentionally initiate dangerous episodes, yet i am not afraid of things that evolve and are outside of my control. I believe my life has purpose. I don’t try to paraphrase or list the purposes, to do so would limit my opportunities to events that i can realize and that would limit me to a very small area of possibilities. Could i have imagined myself riding in front of a crowd in a bullring in Spain? Living in mansions? Giving birth to children? Being shot at? Sailing? Watching a tornado pass me by? [Once again a short list of reality episodes given for a sensationalized backdrop to draw you in.] I was born with a Zen perspective; i think it is called faith. I believe i am apart of a bigger life than my own, which for me needs no explanations or rationalization. There is a Zen premise that i don’t understand well enough to discuss, but i am mindful of, so to maybe catch glimpses of understanding. It is the belief that in life we experience suffering and suffering is one with experiencing life.
I realize, the roots of my suffering are fertilized by my own struggles to love, me, holistically, as I am. I realize that my connection to all the moments of extreme joy, passion and love have been experienced in moments when i have been of no mind, with no further intentions other than unconditional surrender to a purpose greater than i. (((This truly has been learned through experience not formal education.)))
This may be the same threads, which run through contentment with “innocuous, quirky, nonchalant, invisibility’ as well as inner contentment when living in the center of the forces of nature’s greatness, dark or light?
May The Force Be With You,
Dear Father and Precious Mother,
sometimes we choose,
sometimes we are chosen,
grant me the gifts of acceptance,
balance, and your breath within my breath,
so that i may keep pace.
lovingly, i open all i posses to our journey along the paths we walk as ONe
(trust, is the greatest of these small possessions)
witten 9.23.09
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